Story Time!

The other day Lisa sent me a request from an adoptive mother, who wanted to buy a book to help her tell her adopted child how he entered their family. I found some good pointers for parents at this site, which includes a number of books for children and adults. My personal favorite is Max Lucado’s You Are Special (left, see “Resources”), which is great for all children.

I share this story with you first because – well, because I love to tell this story as much as my children love to hear it. The second reason is to give you an idea of how simple the story can be. Here are some additional tips to help you create your own story:

• Children need to know adoption is permanent, and that they were loved from the very beginning. They never have to worry about your disappearing like their birth parents did.
• Acknowledge the bond that the child will always have with his or her birth family (though he may have conflicted feelings about that bond). This is difficult, but important simply because it is the truth, and the child knows it instinctively even if we’d just as soon forget about it. Try not to vilify the first/birth parents: If the child believes his first parents were “bad people,” the child will think of himself as “bad,” too.
• Tell the gentle truth about why their birth parents didn’t keep them – but make it clear that it wasn’t the child’s fault that he needed new parents. He wasn’t bad, or ugly, or too much trouble. Focus instead on the fact that the birth parents loved the child, even though they couldn’t take care of him (or her).
• Integrating faith and fact will help child see the “big picture” of adoption. God had a plan for that child – just as He has a plan for each of us – before she was born (Ps 139:13).
• Don’t gloss over real feelings. There are going to be times when your child feels lonely, or angry, or misses his birth family. Use the story as a “jumping off” point to talk about these feelings, as Christopher does in this story to express his feelings about losing his beloved dog (who died a year ago in an accident) and his birth parents.
• As storyteller, you step outside the story and give child an opportunity to react to what’s going on. Consider having your children draw pictures or create a special scrapbook with their adoption story, to revisit again and again. Consider getting a copy of the “Illustory” resource for your own family (see “Resources,” left).
• Create your own picture book. Draw from your journal from those first months. (If you didn’t keep a journal, start one now and try to recapture as many images and stories as you can, before they slip away!) This is especially helpful for those who aren’t confident storytellers, or who aren’t sure they will remember the same details again and again (which is how children want to hear the story). You might consider getting a copy of “Illustory” (see “Resources” on left).

• Always draw the child back to his relationship with God. That is the one truly permanent relationship the child will ever have. As we cultivate that relationship with God in our own lives, we find it easier to strike a balance between the roles we have been called to play in the lives of other people.